As someone who lives three houses away from the Gulf of Mexico and spent her summer religiously tanning there, I am not usually that phased by sea creatures. I mean, I’ve stepped on a sting ray before, didn’t get stung, no big deal – I just always do the “stingray shuffle” now. But sharks? Totally freaked! We have bull sharks in my area, and my hometown is the “Shark’s Tooth Capital of the World” (which has nothing to do with a living shark population, as the teeth are fossilized); we’ve had shark attacks occur in the area before.
Shark Attacks Woman in Sarasota Bay. - 2007
Records of 2005 attack on Jane Lynch
“Large Sharks are the only known natural predators of dolphins in the Sarasota Bay area.”
Records of 2005 attack on Jane Lynch
“Large Sharks are the only known natural predators of dolphins in the Sarasota Bay area.”
(Note the words LARGE and SHARKS)
Of course, as a seasoned Floridian, I know that Shark attacks are really rare (like, every couple of years rare, as seen in the dates on these sources), but I have the worst luck in the world. Let me outline a little of my most recent bad luck for ya’all, my freshman year of college went a little like this; Day One – I step on a wasp, my foot swells up so much I have to play the cello at Commencement barefoot. Thanksgiving Break – US Airways sends me a broken plane, delayed in Roanoke until the next morning. Winter Break – Snowmageddon hits, and I am stranded in Washington D.C. for four days because of a Saturday final that I was trying to argue my way out of for months and ended up being cancelled anyway; return home to find that my Christmas gift is to get on another plane. January – I return to school to re-take the final, and miss it (long story; who holds an exam at 7AM anyway?). March-ish – Play in Orchestra for Thoroughly Modern Millie, my cello is kicked in the Orchestra pit and irreparably damaged. Spring Break – I fly home, and must drive back because flying is not working out for me; I get new tires on the car and one of them blows out in Orlando. Yesterday – I bought a Lilly Pulitzer dress off ebay for my birthday; I wait 5-6 business days for it to get here, and on day 6 (yesterday) I am finally presented with a tracking number from the woman who says she ships within 1-2 business days – this is a problem because the dress is going to arrive in FL the day I move in to my dorm in VA.
That’s not even the extent of it, but I’ll not bore any readers with petty details. The point is, I have the worst luck in the world, non-negotiable. I would be the person swimming out to the sandbar at noon on a Wednesday, minding my own business when suddenly – BAM! JAWS re-enactment ensues.
Needless to say, this is why Shark Week scares the living bejeezus out of me! Life and limb is at risk here! Everyone is so hyped up about watching a huge animal with razor-sharp teeth slicing through hunks of cow on a hook, but nobody stops to think about the poor sods like me whose leg probably highly resembles that hunk of cow whilst swimming!
It’s too much!
